It's been nearly a month since the memorable ending to the 2011-2012 Premier League season. The title swung back forth between the Manchester clubs, eventually landing on the blue side after an extraordinary injury time comeback by City. Not long afterwards, there was calm. The naysayers of football removed their earplugs and emerged from their shelters, blinking into the sunlight. Football had finally finished. Saturday will no longer be cluttered my meaningless Facebook drivel updating match scores every 30 seconds. They rejoiced, hugging one another, celebrating that maybe, just maybe, society might return to normal.
But like a terrible horror B-movie, one of the people said the magic words, "Everything's going to be all right." only to be imminently decapitated and devoured by a ghoulish fog with the name tag 'Euro 2012' and accompanied by thousands of Polish people doing monkey chants.
Yep. Football isn't finished. In fact, it's back. WITH A VENGEANCE.
Much like my earlier post regarding professional wrestling, being a huge football fan gave many some apparent right to group me with the same idiots who think racist chanting is hilarious and lambaste football for all it's worth and everything it has done wrong.
Rightly so, because it has done a lot wrong. Convincing millions that shepherding a rounded piece of leather around a park is a worthwhile career. That it is completely acceptable to worship a person who's diet might be seriously lacking in moral fibre. That the downright absurd amount of money being pumped into the modern game could be easily used instead to help starving third-world countries around the world and strengthen their economies.
But idiotic hooligans, potential rapists and starving kids don't annoy me. Well not as much THAT moment.
THAT moment. When someone with a sigh and an indignant glint in their eye wonders loudly,
"Why do you say 'we' won? Were YOU playing there yesterday?"
At which point, I stand up, take a big breath, and then remove the head of the perpetrator in the manner that I have become so accustomed to due to Mortal Kombat.
I suppose the only reason I get ever so slightly frustrated about it is because, quite frankly, I don't know how to explain it. For as long as I've been following football, it's just one of those things that you simply don't question. Much like how you know it's perfectly fine to shout at referees because they get one decision wrong and therefore are lesser human beings than all of us and that racist chants are okay if you're playing football in Russia.
I've been following football since I was a young man of about 8 years old. I remember the FA Cup Final between Newcastle United and Manchester United around then and watching it with my old man and some uncles, and seeing as I kept hearing about Man Utd all the time by that point, I had developed the same emotions towards them as I had with celery and morals at that age; with utmost contempt.
Since then, I've been following them and their numerous shenanigans, and I can honestly tell you I don't remember the time I suddenly started referring to them as 'we'. It just happened. It's part and parcel of being a football fan. There is always going to be something in a particular field that non-followers will be completely bamboozled by, but those in the know would nod their head and instantly understand what's going on. I feel the same about the various superstitions that exist in acting. Do I understand them? No, but I still feel it best to respect them.
It could be similar to someone reading a piece of literature. Say, for example someone asks where they are in the book. They might probably say 'Oh, I just saw Mr. Darcy fly off into space to rescue his girlfriend when he encounters a space bear and they do battle with lasers and rockets.'
Yeah, I don't think I got around to reading Pride and Prejudice.
Maybe Euro 2012 might help them understand a little bit better. As opposed to football clubs, we are all united as fans to support England. OK, most of us have probably accepted that this England side aren't going to go very far (seeing as they are essentially Liverpool XI) but WE will be there to support them. Or boo them off the field, because you also need to know that football fans are the most fickle fans in the world.
I never normally do predictions, but I think for it'll be nice to see how far off I was by the end.
Winners: Holland
Runner-up: Germany
3rd: Spain
4th: France
To conclude this post, I'm going to leave you with a beast of a tune. Some might recognise him as the actor who was the lead role of Four Lions, Riz Ahmed. He's got his music career off the ground with the release of his debut album MICroscope next month, and quite frankly, I am very excited.
Warning: the following video may cause severe trouser tightening.
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